Not By The Hairs On My Chinny Chin Chin

For the last three weeks, Frankie has been over in Canada with her Mum seeing the other side of her family.

It’s incredible how much has changed in that time.

Of course, she’s bigger, but also far more alert and more vocal. She’s also started to roll, which is of course due to her growing considerably stronger.

Which brings me to the crux of this post.

From the moment they’re born, babies always seem to have a grip well beyond their means of strength, that only continues as they grow and develop.

Before I’d had much of a chance to absorb this vastly different baby before me, one of the first things that Frankie did when we were reunited at the airport was grab my beard.

Now, this in itself is nothing new, as babies like grabbing anything that comes in contact with their hand, and in the past this has constituted merely a gentle grasping. Nothing but a playful clasp of some chin whiskers.

However, in the three weeks that have passed, she has somehow developed a grip that would put Tarzan to shame.

It’s like catching your beard in the spokes of Lance Armstrong’s bicycle during the Tour De France, moments after he’d stuck his left buttock full of testosterone extracted from a wooly mammoth, and the right with a quart of Gary Busey blood.

I felt like I’d been attacked by a confused tribesman who’d slept through the lectures from his elders and catastrophically misunderstood the target during his first attempt at a scalping.

And there’s no letting go. She hangs on for grim death as if she’s Meatloaf and my beard resembles any last remaining shred of a dignified career.

I have to be eternally on guard now every time that I’m holding her. To the point where I’ve had to start developing the head weaving skills of Floyd Mayweather Jr. in order to avoid these outstretched fingers of doom, that can’t seem to focus anywhere other than my chin. Like the audience at a 3D IMAX cinema screening a John Travolta marathon.

My glorious Viking mane has been reduced to nothing other than a plaything for her amusement.

I can only see this getting worse from here, as she grows bigger and stronger, and my beard grows longer, the two are on an unavoidable collision course that can only end in tears.

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19 thoughts on “Not By The Hairs On My Chinny Chin Chin

  1. Oh my good man, father of Frankenstein… It only gets better from here. Babies not only get stronger, they get smarter, quickly. Be on a alert! The best is yet to come. You write so that I want more. Good job.

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  2. You mention a collision course ending in tears… man up and shave it now before she brings you to your knees! (;
    (you two are making irreplaceable sweet sweet memories- I love it!)

    Btw: I love your blog; daddies and their precious little daughters, even the ones referred to as Frankenstein, make my heart sing!

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  3. Sadly, it doesn’t get much better with age! Haha My son is almost a year old and is absolutely obsessed with grabbing handfuls of my hair and clinging to me like a small monkey-child. At this point, I can honestly say it’s a miracle that I’m not balding profusely. Babies love clinging to their parents, and I think they see any sort of hair as the perfect way to do it. Good luck to you and your beard! 🙂

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  4. This is too funny because im Dealing with the same thing. Except my 3 month old twin grand boys are interested in ripping my loop ear rings right out of my ear! I have to take all jewelry off when I’m with them.

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  5. My husband had the same problem. He once (once!) made the mistake of trying to get up to back away from the pincers, with the result that the baby was literally hanging from his beard! But it does actually get better, my husband hasn’t given up on his beard. I remember vaguely seeing his chin when he was 17 or so, it was a traumatic experience that hasn’t been repeated since 😉

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    1. In Viking culture, in order to maintain a strong bloodline of warriors, the fathers will stand over the edge of a cliff named ‘Odin’s Fury’ and hang their babies by their beards. Those that can stand the test for 10 seconds are retained, thus ensuring the strength of their armies for generations to come.

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