One of the wonders of the modern age is that we now have a variety of birthing options available, compared to our ancestors, whose only option was squatting in the dirt. Like many things in middle class society, there seems to be fierce competition as to who can have the most progressive birth, so they can brag about it at Wednesday book club. I will admit I have done little research into the matter, but here is my understanding of some of the hip birthing options of today.
A unique process whereby the mother-to-be uses various hypnosis techniques during labour in order to dig up traumatic events from their childhood, and eventually even learn to quit smoking.
It is thought that all progression since the Stone Age, such as agriculture, domestication of animals, the cultivation of dairy and the addition of any semblance of flavour to food, is doing us harm. Some choose to resort back to the hunter-gatherer lifetyles of the paleolithic, instead refusing an epidural, and opting instead to be clubbed in the head and then dragged to a cave by their hair. People just knew better back then.
Modern technology is soulless and commercialised. Medical devices nowadays are so sterile, what with all their stainless steel and sanitation, that sometimes you just want to hark back to the good old days. Vintagebirthers like to look to the early-mid 20th century for inspiration, when doctors could smoke and drink in the delivery room, and the tools they used looked more at home on a torture rack. Maternal mortality rates be damned, everything just looks so kitsch!
If you’re not regularly injuring yourself, then you’re not doing it right. Crossfitbirthing takes its interval training theory to the delivery room, timing each circuit in line with the woman’s contractions. Once the baby is born, they are also integrated into the routine, as it is never too early to start lifting.
A very natural process, involving only gluten free doctors and nurses, who deliver the baby into a pool of quinoa, where it is then wrapped in kale leaves and lightly dusted in cacao.
As you can see, just simply pushing a baby out of your vagina has been done to death, so the only way to avoid being a mere commoner is to seek out a more enlightened, alternative method. It is also only a matter of time before we start seeing ‘fusion’ options, combining any 2 or more methods, that always somehow involve tacos.